![]() ![]() Anyway, the Scary Blackberry Ghoul-Aid (fuck, that’s just so wonderful) was pretty damn good! Tart, like an actual blackberry, yet still retaining that fake-juice flavor that Kool-Aid long ago locked down tight. Feels like right after tee-ball practice. Also, it’s fun to drink things out of Mylar pouches. Oh, so first though… I drank one of these by itself, so I could fully understand it as an ingredient and, thus, better incorporate it into my mixology. Everybody on board? Yes? Wolfman? Dracula and his son? Good! Let’s get to it. GOD DAMN, do I love this holiday! And since I’ve got like an entire box of this stuff in my fridge now, I figured it would probably be in everyone’s best interest for me to mix it with alcohol and then write about it on the internet. ![]() Hahaha, motherfucking Ghoul-Aid? SCARY BLACKBERRY? If that isn’t a fucking graveyard smash, I don’t know what is. If that happens, I end up buying totally unnecessary, though, yes, TOTALLY BAD ASS, garbage like this: There is ONE kind of iffy side effect, and that is the fact that I cannot be in a Target or a Wal-Mart unsupervised. There are horror movies on all the time, people go fucking nuts with giving out candy, if you’re lucky you’ll hear “Thriller” on the radio… the WHOLE song, with the awesome Vincent Price rap and everything… and, just generally, it’s the one time of year where the entire country embraces the creepy, the weird, and the scary. Halloween just fucking rules so hard, it’s spooOOooOOooky. I think I’m usually at work, assuming all the ruckus outside is the citizenry of Dallas exercising their right to bear arms.ĪNYWAY, all of this is roundabout way of saying that, while MOST holidays suck gravy, there is one exception… one holiday still holding steady on my list… and that exception is, emphatically, HALLOWEEN. Also, does anyone still celebrate the 4th of July anymore? I literally cannot remember the last time I did anything for that holiday. They’re expensive, they require being places at certain times… usually looking nice, which is in and of itself a whole thing (“which one of these Big Johnson t-shirts would you say is the CLEANEST?)… and they tend to highlight everything that’s not going right in your life at that very moment. That’s just a fact.Īt any rate, holidays now are terrible. Don’t care to find out, actually, as kids are little punks that suck out your life force and replace it with crippling debt, things they’ve shit on, and also sometimes they become serial killers. As I understand it, getting to experience the holidays through your own child’s eyes is a magical thing, like seeing a Leprechaun make out with a Sasquatch. granted… my wife and I do not have children. It is satisfying to pay bills in a timely manner, and parenthetically, it is also pretty cool to not have the electric company shut your power off all the time. Eating a fiber-rich diet will greatly improve your day-to-day existence for various poop-related reasons. And, as someone who is adult as fuck, I have finally figured out a few things that I believe to be absolutely true. USA USA USA!!!”ģ) 4th of July – The sky is exploding! THE SKY IS EXPLODING!!!! Why yes, I WILL have another hot dog.Ĥ) Valentine’s Day – Everyone I know wants to give me a card that quantifies the love they feel for me, and ALSO there are chocolates for me to jam into my maw? Everything about this day is tinted with magic in various shades of red and pink.ĥ) Halloween – GIVE ME CANDY, I’M DRESSED LIKE A GO-BOT.īack in August, I turned 34 years old. “Well, Bob Costas, I’ve trained all year for this and, yes, I think I’ll probably be able to eat so much green bean casserole that my mother has to take me aside and explain to me the concept of sharing AGAIN, and also remind me that this how rumors about thyroid problems get started. For a fatty-in-training, Thanksgiving was like the Food Olympics. ![]() I was spoiled rotten (and am somewhat of a broken person now because of it, but THAT’S not what we’re here to talk about) and I loved every minute of it.Ģ) Thanksgiving – Feeling like a grown-ass adult, watching football with my uncles, furtively stealing sips of their Coors Light when they went to empty their dip cups. As an only child with typically indulgent grandparents, Christmases at my house made the gift suite at an Oscars after-party look like a miserly old maid begrudgingly sharing her Tic-Tacs. When I was a kid, my list of Top 5 Favorite Holidays looked like this:ġ) Christmas – Obviously. ![]() He promises not to barf on you or eat your brains. Ghoul Drink Drunk is a regular column that features your host, an adult male zombie who prefers bourbon and beer, exploring the sugary, sweet world of “ghoul-y drinks” for your edification and entertainment. ![]()
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